The Great White Glass Parking Lot of the North

William Shatner.

Celine Dion.

Does the awesomness that is Bill balance counteract the hideous screeching of the shrew? Or does her angelic voice more than make up for his condensed ham? What do you think? Why haven't we nuked Canada?

Sunday. Early. Ick.

So yesterday my wife and I went out to the fabric store and bought a whole bunch of doo-dads that I needed for some upcoming projects (remember, I will be learning to sew*).

We hit this weird sale where you can use multiple coupons, and we have an entire sheet of them from the newspaper. Wound up saving 40% here, 40% there. In fact, there was only thing we couldn't use a coupon on, and the checkout lady forgot to re-scan a spool of thread which made up for it.**

Got home, and I was very excited. Liz showed me how to do bobbins, then we loaded the thread and watched her uber-expensive machine eat itself dead. Damn. It'll be going into the shop, I'm guessing this is going to be a three-four week delay.

On the bright side, Liz isn't blaming me. I wasn't even touching the machine when it broke. Small favors, I tell ya.
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* I am learning to sew for a very manly reason. I'd tell you, but I'm afraid hair might spontaneously sprout on your chest.

** Checkout lady. Very nice. Barely competent. Had to re-scan the entire order after hitting the wrong button at the end of the first try. The total was lower the second time through and I mentioned it, so my conscience is clear.

Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch Dressing

The title is pointless, other than vaguely resembling one of the puzzle categories on Wheel. Of. Fortune.

Over on Facebook, I laughed at the ineptitude of the Washington Redskins football team, who have a realistic chance of losing to the Detroit Lions, who have lost something like 28 in a row. And my nephew piped up and called me a hater. Sorry James, but that was pity. And to help you know the difference here is a small sample of my potential hate.

Q: Who do you root for when the Redskins play the Cowboys?

A: A sniper in the stands.

Which was my go-to football joke until those assholes Malvo and Muhammed fucked that up.

I don't care to check to see if "Muhammed" is spelled correctly. Read it phonetically.

I hate fish, which is relevent only in that I am now taking Fish Oil capsules, which are full of healthy Omega 3's. If I burp fish, I may lose everything. Film at 11.

Our next door neighbor had her babies yesterday. Yep, twins. A boy and a girl. Everyone is fine. If you'd like to leave your congrats in the comments, I'll pass them along. That oughta creep 'em out, eh?

This weekend, I learn to use a sewing machine. I feel special because my wife has an uber-expensive setup that she uses expertly, and the fact that she trusts me enough to touch it - even while closely supervised - tells me that she truly loves me.

More later, I've got a honey-do list a mile long, and it's only half done.

Handy Parenting Tip

If you can't get your kids to eat fruit, offer up dried apples, which are pale and have that spongy, chewy texture. Tell 'em it's human flesh, and zombies adore it.

It worked for my kids.

Quote of the Whenever I Feel Like It

"I'm so afraid of the swine flu that I won't even watch The View." -- Larry the Cable Guy

Posting on Weekends

I'm part of a trend. I too now post on weekends. Rebel, I am.

I've grown bored with the internet. Facebook, blogging, etc. Never did get excited about Twitter. All pretty much *yawn* lately.

I've pared down the blogroll. Removed some folks who no longer post, some folks that I haven't visited in a *long* time (don't take it personally, it's me, not you), and the NSFW links that may or may not have given my PC the virus (bastards).

Read the movie review below (conveniently linked here for my own selfish reasons). If you don't comment there, then movie distributors will quit sending me free movies to review (selfish, selfish, selfish). Do it for me (ibid).

It's pretty obvious that this is all about me, innit.

Movie Review: Babes in the Woods

Wow. This one brings back memories. Memories when nudity was fresh and innocent, even at its most naughty (and I use 'naughty' in the old sense, before it became synonymous with 'sleazy').

Babes in the Woods is by no means a classic, but it is so very typical of early 60's nudie cinema that instead of standing out, it represents the genre wonderfully. It's full of sweetness and situations that serve as nothing more than an excuse for the ladies to disrobe, after which they display themselves in various poses to good effect. It's a transition film, between the nudist camp "documentaries" that came before and the later, seamier "roughies".

Let's get the technical stuff out of the way. Babes in the Woods was shot in black and white, and was lost for forty years before Independent International Films rediscovered and restored it. As you'd expect from a film this old, you aren't getting a pristine transfer, but despite the minor scratch lines and jumps the copy is in great shape. Especially considering how cheaply the originals of this type were made and distributed. There was a brief stretch in the middle of the film where the sound/picture synchronization was off.

IIF didn't spend big money on packaging either. There are no extras on the disk. The main DVD menu offers two choices: play the movie (no chapter selection) or look at a few other titles that IIF offers (I do not consider previews like this to be extras). The menu scrolls off the bottom of the TV screen too, but there's (just barely) enough to tell which selection is which. Disappointing and frustrating, a little care towards this would have gone a long way towards making me believe that IIF actually cared about resurrecting a lost movie and was not just looking at the bottom line.

Ok, back to the babes. The storyline is better than you'd expect (yes, there is a story to it), but expect odd little touches and flourishes throughout, and some of them are laugh-out-loud funny. For instance, one of the girls falls into a puddle. She uses the outhouse around back to clean up, which inside is a fully furnished modern bath. I won't mention the physics involved of the inside being bigger than the outside, because I was distracted by the lovely young lady taking a long luxurious bubble bath. Indoor plumbing is overrated.

The nature photography is beautiful, and sometimes you get inspired scenes such as three naked women washing their clothes in the creek at the base of a beautiful waterfall.

The acting is over the top and exaggerated, this is burlesque, not Broadway. The character of Mrs. Figby, played by Pat Bolin, absolutely steals the show, although the narrator comes in a close second. The narration reminds me of those old nature documentaries we watched as kids, where you'd hear dialog like:

Mr. Beaver has a busy morning planned. He's measuring that tree, it'll be a perfect fit for his new dam.

Oh look, Mrs. Fox has brought her children out to play. She's keeping a close watch on Mr. Beaver because she doesn't trust his building skills.

But Mrs. Fox isn't the only one watching. After a long night awake, Mr. Owl is wondering whether he'll get any sleep at all with all the commotion down below.

Also making a very revealing appearance is Vicki Miles, aka Allison Downe, who made quite a few genre movies and also did a fair amount of directing, make up and screenwriting. Her name is associated with many cult classics of the time. She's also very easy to look at.

As are all the ladies, which is the point. Babes in the Woods is a return to a simpler time, when seeing pretty boobs was enough, and innuendo (what little there was) was played for laughs and not lust. It's all about the attitude, and Babes in the Woods is much closer to sweet and gentle Mayberry than it is to the big, bad city.

I really enjoyed Babes in the Woods, much more than I thought I would. Thanks IIF, for the memories.

Thanks For Dropping By

I know, Rocket Jones is damn near pining for the fjords. But hey, since you made the trip, enjoy this video. Funniest damn thing I've seen in a long time.



And remember Moms and Dads, if you paid for your kid to get a degree in Journalism, this is the kind of stoopid you can look forward to.

2996

Please follow this link, a tribute to William Wilson, who died on 9/11.

Final Fireworks of the Season

Monday afternoon will be the final game of the season for our Potomac Nationals. They missed the playoffs this year, despite having the best record in the league (I'm pretty sure, need to check that). The league plays a split schedule, and the P-Nats came in second both times to teams who had one hot half, in fact, the first place team from the first half wound up dead last in the second half. So, 21 games above .500 wasn't enough.

Observations: The Washington Nationals farm system is rich in catchers and shortstops. Our catcher from the start of the season was promoted to AA and then AAA quickly, and our backup catcher went to AA soon after. The third string catcher has played well enough to keep the kid in low-A right where he's at, even though he's leading his league in every offensive category.

Same story at short. There is one, maybe two players in AAA and AA who might make the roster for the big club, if there were room for them.

We sat next to a family from England at tonight's game. Incredibly polite kids, and they knew enough about what was going on to appreciate the game.

I think that the manager, Trent Jewett, will probably return. His team was, after all, 20+ games over .500. From what I hear, the players don't like playing for him. From what I see, the team isn't busting butt for him either. It's typical of the Washington Nationals' thinking that you'd bring in someone who spent 20 years in the Pittsburgh Pirates organization and expect them to instill a winning atmosphere.

Florida Trail Advisory

I Am A Fortunate Man

Just returned from an excellent weekend away. The plan was to go down to Virginia Beach yesterday for a housewarming party for our daughter Robyn. Plus, we'd get to see younger daughter Rachael and granddaughter Lorelei. Good times.

What happened was that a conspiracy was afoot to throw me a surprise birthday party (I'm turning 50). I was completely unaware, for a couple of reasons. 1. My birthday isn't for better than a week, and 2. I really don't care about my birthdays.

So we get to Virginia Beach, and Liz and I left to do some shopping. When we got back to the house, I walked right past the balloons and banners and ribbons without even noticing. I'm a jerk like that.

But they brought me back out and hollered surprise and I was, really and truly, and then came the gift giving.

I got an Amazon Kindle, a leather case for it, and a heap o' gift card bucks to load that thing with reading material. Sweet!!!

For the birthday/housewarming dinner, we had steak and steamed shrimp, and it was good, and I felt loved. And stuffed.

Ted Kennedy

Ted Kennedy became a passionate advocate for government provided health care when he realized that it would be more efficient than drowning people one at a time.

Just Busy

Still around, just in the middle of things.

Movie Review Time: Goth Kill

Imagine that you sit down to a fancy meal. You know that it's going to be great, nay, epic, but as the first course is presented you realize that it's a hairball in broth. If you can just manage the hairball, you're going to enjoy an incredible rest of the dinner.

I'm going to get that hairball swallowed first, because once you get past it, Goth Kill is a fun flick.

Now imagine that you're a priest in the time of the Inquisition. You're a devout and sincere priest, and you're horrified to learn that some of your fellow priests have convicted some people to burn at the stake merely to confiscate their property and wealth. When you threaten to expose the corrupt priests, they quickly condemn you to burn with the rest.

So what do you do?

If you answered that as the flames consume you you make a pact with Satan that you will come back to Earth over and over until you murder 100,000 people, and that those souls will be yours to rule over eternally, then you have no gag reflex.

The rest of us, choke that hairball down and let's get on with the rest of the plot.

Set in the modern day, Goth Kill tells the story of that priest, come back yet again to collect a few last souls. This time, he's looking to harvest the members of a New York goth club called the Scorpion Society.

Besides the priest - who steals the show - the principle characters are a pair of young ladies visiting the club for the first time. These three are the only ones you end up caring about, because the Inquisition priests and the club members turn out to be real scumbags. The movie makes fun of the goth and vampire scene, dressing some of the characters up to the point of silly and mocking their behavior.

Definitely low budget, nevertheless the acting is adaquate for the most part. The direction and camera work is interesting, as is the editing. The soundtrack is fun too.

There are boobs, but not as many as you would expect. The blood is plentiful and the gore is implied.

As for the story, it's surprisingly intelligent and thought provoking. The flashbacks and twists keep things moving, and though it seems to drag at times, before you know it the movie is ending.

About the lead character. The priest is played by a fire performer named Flambeaux, and I'd like to see him in other movies. The guy has charisma and can act, and it'd be nice to see him work with a better supporting cast.

This one gets a Rocket Jones recommendation, for whatever that's worth.

Go Figure

Who would have thought that the same people who claim that "a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human" or "dog licking is like getting a bath" would act all weird because I used the dog's dish as a spoon rest while cooking dinner.

The dish was licked spotlessly clean, I might add.

I supposed I should also add that the dog had been sitting right there the whole time, so I know for a fact that he had licked nothing gross or jealousy-inducing before eating.

Add A Little Spice To Your Life

Breakfast this morning is a chicken and cheese chimichanga, a couple of jalepeno poppers, and a dish of pinto beans. Yum!

Electronic Cigarettes

My wife Liz has been trying the new eCigarettes, and so far seems to be liking them. Instead of burning tobacco, the way these work is when you draw on them, a sensor vaporizes a small amount of liquid containing nicotine and that's what you inhale. You exhale water vapor.

They're not designed to help you quit smoking, and you're not going to save 90% by using them, but you will save a fair amount. Plus, there's no longer any smoke, no messy ashtrays, no smell, and no looking for the designated smoking area (if there is one).

Most work more or less the same way, consisting of a mouthpiece, an atomizer, a cartridge for the fluid (some are refillable, some are pre-filled), and a rechargeable battery to power the whole thing. Most are about the size and shape of a real cigarette.

If you smoke, these are worth looking into. Do some research online, the quality and prices vary quite a bit. I do believe that these will be the wave of the future.

Quote of the Whenever I Feel Like It

"1-year-old Trig Palin represents the deepest division of all, between a culture that increasingly sees genetic perfection as an entitlement and a culture still rooted in the belief that human beings are defined not by their capabilities but, instead, by the very fact of their humanity.”

-- Politico

Eventually, This Was Bound To Happen

This recent painting was inspired by the movie Phantom of the Opera. I was watching England's Hammer Studios version and they used this shot to play the credits over.



To see more of my work as I learn to paint (and write), check out my other site, Quiet Tales.