Tedfoolery

Good Times / Bad Times

We just got back from a week in Florida. A leisurely drive down and back, a few days in Ocala with the in-laws and a couple of days at Daytona Beach, staring at the waves and recharging. Only had internet access once, for about a half an hour the entire week, and it was nice.

On the down side, a co-worker unexpectedly died while I was away (that's what I found out during that half hour of access), as did a favorite Aunt from my Dad's side of the family.

Good thing I'm not superstitious, or I might never go on vacation again.

Wet, Strong Probability of Ugly

Our snowstorm has fizzled into some wet flurries. Just enough to make everything glisten with moisture and the air to look foggy. Tonight it's supposed to get down into the 20's.

Joy.

Toasty

Today's project for my daughter and I was to construct a camping quilt from a kit I bought. The idea being that since the insulation keeps you warm by trapping warm air in the "loft" of the layers, then the part of a sleeping bag that you lay on isn't doing you any good, warmth-wise. Hence, the quilt.

The kit was supposed to take about 8 hours of work to finish. Cutting, pinning, sewing, more cutting, more pinning, more sewing, and so on. Luckily for me, Mookie has an industrial sewing machine (can you say 12 layers of denim?!?!?!) and tons of experience, so we actually finished in about five hours. It was definitely a two-person job.

It's rated for 40 degrees, and I'll definitely be testing that when it warms up a little bit. It weighs in at less than two pounds, which is music to my backpackin' ears.

I'm really looking forward to camping this year.

Government In Action

I work in DC. Yesterday, while heading to lunch we walked near a park notable for the number of homeless people who hang out there. My friend pointed out some new signs attached to the trash cans in the park:

"Keep Our Streets Golden"

Brilliant. I can hear the conversation now:

"Honest Officer, I thought I was just obeying the new civil ordinance!"

Come On And Die Already!

The more *ahem* serious gun buffs are hesitant to call the new Kel-Tec KSG Bullpup Shotgun what it is, which is "The World's Most Perfect Zombie Killing Weapon".

If you'll notice, besides the space saving bullpup design, there are two magazine tubes sitting side by side under the 18.5" long barrel. There's a selector lever that you use to set to feed from either magazine. Can you say "seven rounds of double ought *and* seven more of slugs?" I knew you could. That's fifteen rounds (one in the chamber) of sweet zombie brain perforating power right there.

My only reservation is that this puppy is 12 guage. I like 12 guage, but if I'm going to be shooting enough to warrant this kind of weapon, I'd rather see it in something a tad more benign to the shoulder like 20 gauge or even .410. That would probably also add a couple more rounds to the magazine capacity too.

Let's Review

If you own an SUV, then you don't need to come to a complete stop before easing over a small speedbump. Check with lost and found, maybe they've seen your balls.

We're All Full Up Here

DC that is. My latest encounter with a "special" person is a middle aged woman who walks down the middle of the street where my parking garage is in the city. Up and down the street, all day as far as I can tell. Meandering from curb to curb, hauling a huge duffle bag and a slightly less huge handbag. Well dressed too. Horns don't faze her, neither do angry shouts and gestures (I haven't and probably wouldn't given the circumstances).

I don't know where she's at in her mind, but she's the fucking Queen there.

Help Wanted

I'm two people short of a threesome.

Ho

Update

Yule, Yadda Yadda - 3

At least they're already right next to the fire.


For the girl who has everything (else)...


The Easter Bunny's Family Christmas Card.


We all know someone like this.


The End.

A Week of Yuletide Irreverence - 2

Or maybe it's "irrelevance." Or C, all of the above.

Ho.


Humiliating your kids is the best part of parenting. Solving a problem is just a bonus.


There's a message here, but I'm not sure if it matters that I understand it.


It's a rainhat, right?


For the professional offense-takers in the world...

A Week of Yuletide Irreverence - 1

Or maybe it's "irrelevance." Or C, all of the above.

I'm not a tattoo kinda guy, but if I were...

Frustrating

I can't look at my Amazon Wish List this time of year because I may figure out what I'm getting from the family. That's no fun.

Wisdom

I'm surprised more folks don't keep hogs for pets. Hogs are just dogs wrapped in bacon. -- Spokes (fellow member of a backpacking forum)

What Kind of God Would Allow This to Happen?

Otamatone. A new and horrifying musical instrument from Japan. The post title comes from one of the YouTube comments.

Via Ace.

Oh, about fifty bucks.

Miscellanea

Ah, troubled youth.


I met her on 4chan, but alas, it was not meant to be.


Now you know.




I don't have an iPhone, so this amuses me. In fact, my cell phone is almost 4 years old and I won't upgrade because it does almost everything I want, i.e. makes and receives calls and holds a battery charge. The only option I could do without is the one where it takes multiple pictures of the inside of my pocket. I have dozens of those. I should post my favorites here, you'd like that, eh?


Kinda sums this all up, don't it?

No Sniveling

Well, maybe a little. I spent a long morning in the chair at the oral surgeon, and am now waiting for the next blessed wave of Vicodin to kick in.

Good Advice

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

" Your badge. Show him your BADGE !"

Holiday Fun for the Young'uns

Stuff That Made Me Smile

I laughed long and loud at this one. Oh yes I did.


I really don't care if you don't eat meat. But how many times have you run across some self-righteous vegetarian liberal who proceeds to bash religious people for being self-righteous and delusional?


Celebrity rehab has been a Hollywood problem far longer than most people realize.


WWJD = Who Would Jesus Deny.


Barbie works hard to stay on top of the Doll heap.


Movie Monster in Bondage. Somehow, it seems so right for Rocket Jones

Ubiquitous

What's Been Happening

Heaps, mon! Heaps o' heaps!

At work, I finished up my annual and perennially chaotic end-of-fiscal-year project and immediately got slammed with an even bigger and shorter-deadlined project.

Wife Liz has had a couple of surgeries lately. Pure success, but some lingering complications from the last one are being watched closely by all concerned.

Son TJ is still employed and living in the area. These days, you count your blessings.

Granddaughter Lorelei turned two. I taught her to eskimo kiss.

Daughter Robyn is a great mom and a helluva cook. She frequently uses the old Rocket Jones recipe archive.

Son-in-law Henry got his new orders (Navy guy). They'll be staying in the Virginia Beach area as he transfers to an F-18 squadron attached to the aircraft carrier George H.W. Bush.

Daughter Rachael has been promoted again at WalMart. Six months ago she started as a part-timer, now she's over all the department managers for clothing, jewelry, shoes and accessories.

There, now you're all caught up.

Boo

If someone complains about the (very) little artistic nudity in the following, tell them to go look at the national debt numbers to see something really scary.

A Visual Response to LeeAnn

To her frightening laundromat story. File under either "It could be worse" or "Dark Fantasy".

Yeah, There's an App for That

"App" meaning "appliance", 'natch.

Well, *un*-naturally may be more correct. For all the delicate flowers who are reading this, please stop now. I don't need any more complaints about how Rocket Jones corrupted your mind. You should be thanking me.

Follow this link to see eleven dildos (dildoes? How does one pluralize that? If any of you ladies know, please email me privately, I want to hear all about it.) Um, back on point... yeah, eleven artificial appendages from critters you may fantasize about, ranging from the mundane - as if that word even applies - to the mythical. Wolf? Check. Dolphin? Gotcha covered. Dragon? Twice (huh? A dragon tongue is the other one.)

All that, plus more, are available from Bad Dragon.

You're welcome.

Happy Dance Time

On the rare occasions where I talk about baseball here on Rocket Jones, it's almost always about the Potomac Nationals, our local minor league team (and this year's Carolina League champs, yay!)

But right now, I'm grinning like an idiot and I admit I squealed like a little girl when the San Francisco Giants won their game tonight to take the NL pennant.

World Series: Texas Rangers vs. San Fransisco Giants. Woot!