Boo

If someone complains about the (very) little artistic nudity in the following, tell them to go look at the national debt numbers to see something really scary.

A Visual Response to LeeAnn

To her frightening laundromat story. File under either "It could be worse" or "Dark Fantasy".

Yeah, There's an App for That

"App" meaning "appliance", 'natch.

Well, *un*-naturally may be more correct. For all the delicate flowers who are reading this, please stop now. I don't need any more complaints about how Rocket Jones corrupted your mind. You should be thanking me.

Follow this link to see eleven dildos (dildoes? How does one pluralize that? If any of you ladies know, please email me privately, I want to hear all about it.) Um, back on point... yeah, eleven artificial appendages from critters you may fantasize about, ranging from the mundane - as if that word even applies - to the mythical. Wolf? Check. Dolphin? Gotcha covered. Dragon? Twice (huh? A dragon tongue is the other one.)

All that, plus more, are available from Bad Dragon.

You're welcome.

Happy Dance Time

On the rare occasions where I talk about baseball here on Rocket Jones, it's almost always about the Potomac Nationals, our local minor league team (and this year's Carolina League champs, yay!)

But right now, I'm grinning like an idiot and I admit I squealed like a little girl when the San Francisco Giants won their game tonight to take the NL pennant.

World Series: Texas Rangers vs. San Fransisco Giants. Woot!

Summation

No Point to This, But I Make Up for it By Randomly Capitalizing the Title

So two days ago we got big rain, which moved on through and then turned into the Nor'easter which is currently kicking ass up New England way.

Today is windy as hell, from being on the tail end side of the Nor'easter. Beautiful and sunny, but windy.

Today was also "bulk pickup day", which happens in the Spring and Fall. Pretty much anything you can drag to the curb gets picked up and hauled off, saving trips to the dump. I took the opportunity to get rid of a lot of crap in the backyard and basement, including unbelievable numbers of flower pots that had accumulated over the years.

My yard looks much better and uncluttered.

Since I was doing the cleanup this morning, I couldn't go hiking. I'll go tomorrow.

Just for fun I took my backpack out back with me. After hauling the last of the rubbish to the curb, I set up my hiker kitchen and started a pot of water to boil. While that was heating up I finished raking the leaves.

When it was ready I made oatmeal and a big cup of tea, and enjoyed them out in my newly clean backyard. Very relaxing, and I've pretty much done everything I *need* to do today, before noon.

Sure is windy.

The Lunatic is On the Grass

Not Even Remotely Related to Each Other, but I Do Mention Breakfast, So I Guess It Ties Into What I Said in the Last Post

Factoid heard on the radio this morning: This year, October has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays. That won't happen again for 863 years.

I've discovered Nutella. Nice change from peanut butter once in a while. I ate some on a piece of whole grain bread for breakfast.

I know, right?

Laid Low By Grevious Designs

I'm recovering from a nasty case of food poisoning. Self-administered. Two things kept this completely localized to just myself - first, I was alone in the house this weekend, and second, even if I weren't, nobody else here likes French Onion Soup.

Oh yes, the homemade soup is definitely the culprit. More specifically, the beef base I used to make the stock. I have been thoroughly mocked and ridiculed for my stupidity, which in Obama-speak, was mock-worthy and ridicule-ready.

Still, it was a magnificently tasty batch of soup. I hated to throw the rest of it out when I realized what I had done to myself. A few ideas did cross my mind, but I don't know if anyone on my "short list" likes onion soup. I shall make enquiries. For future reference.

Hi Sheri!

This pretty much sums up my feelings towards the internet lately.


Yep.


If for some unholy reason I had to get a Hello Kitty tattoo, this would be it.


More Hello Kitty...


Hello Kitty with fingernails!


Rocket Jones has become a mere shadow of its former self. At this point, I keep it on life support only to annoy those corporate assclowns who stole my name several years ago (and no link for them).

Reveling in my Continuity

Shark to shark, nails to nails. Sounds like a passage from a Goth Bible.

Satan's Own Simian

Which has nothing to do with this picture. Like I ever worried about continuity.

Speaking of which, I do know that the baboon is not technically a simian. Because while I couldn't care less about continuity, I do like to be accurate. But "Satan's Own Baboon" or "Lucifer's Own Old-World Monkey" just didn't make the cut.

Nobody Will Play With Me

Not Overheard At The Office Today

It wasn't overheard because I was the frustrated soul speaking.

Working here is like being in charge of a day care center, without the satisfaction of handing out spankings.

Best co-worker response:

I thought you would've reached this point two hours ago.

My First Contact With A Visitor To The Meth Clinic

I now work in downtown DC. My parking garage is about four blocks from the building where I work, and I drive in early enough that I normally don't see but one or two people on the sidewalks in the morning.

Turns out that wasn't what I should've been watching for. This morning, just as I stepped off the curb to cross the street - with the light - a brand new Lincoln Town Car screeches to a nose-dropping stop halfway into the crosswalk I was in. Not ten feet in front of me.

The driver was an elderly black man, grey goatee, porkpie hat, dark suit, dark shirt, light colored tie. Pimp.

I glared at him. He glared at me.

I walked around his car and continued on my way. Behind me, the light changed and he turned onto the street I was on, already flying as he passed me.

Two blocks later, he's parked on the street and stepping out of his car, greeting his addict friends as they all waited for the Meth Clinic to open. After doing their thing, they all wander over to the building I work in and mingle with the homeless in the open-to-the-public cafeteria. This happens every. Freakin. Morning.

I'm a live and let live kind of guy, and as long as Pimp Nitwit doesn't try to run me over again I'll have no problem with them. I'm glad they're getting help. On my dime. And I don't ever use the cafeteria in our building.

Congrats P-Nats!!!

The Potomac Nationals (single A) won the Carolina League Championship for the second time in three years this evening.

Crime Wave

Lawn Forking.

Police in North Londonderry Township say they are investigating a Tuesday night incident where someone toilet papered a vehicle and some bushes in the 100 block of Bradley Road. The unknown perpetrators also stuck 50 plastic forks and knives in the yard.

Those fiends.

In Kind Of A Weird Mood...

...so it's picturebook story time! Yay!

Once upon a time, people realized that almost everyone else was a complete jerk.


And even when you thought it might be true love, it usually hurt like a mother.


Finding that special someone seemed impossible because of incompatibility issues.


Some retreated to their faithful toys, some into childhood fantasies. Some both.


Finding a friend who shared your interests could be frustrating, sometimes joining a club helped. Sometimes.


And if you found your special someone and shouted it from the rooftops, the rest of the world looked at you like you were crazy.


The End.

Self-explanatory.

Remembrance

This will be a little different from most 9/11 posts and articles you'll see today. This one goes a little more towards who we are, as Americans, and how we approach life in general. This is not full of great insight or analysis, it's just one of my little stories.

When I got my orders to Germany, I had to go alone because my family was not allowed to join me until I had secured housing on the German economy. This was standard procedure for almost everyone who went overseas. It wasn't a quick and easy process, both because acceptable housing was limited off base and you had to house hunt while in-processing and getting up to speed on your new job.

And I found a house. The village was named Reuschbach and was about 5 miles from the air base. I moved in to the bottom floor of a two story house (the landlords lived upstairs) and Liz began the process of getting our household goods shipped over and scheduling the trip for herself and our two very young kids.

In the meantime, Reuschbach was having a party. Maybe it was their 750th birthday* or something, I don't remember. But the important thing was that there would be a weeklong party out at the village park, in the woods outside of town. My landlord made sure to invite me and made sure I went.

The first night was fun. I straightened out the beer vendor, who insisted that all Americans drank beer ice cold. German beer sucks when it's ice cold, it's meant to be cool. Like I said, that happened once, and I was even more accepted after that. I ate sausages and saurkraut** and staggered home in the early morning hours.

The next night we did it again. I drank beer and became best friends with several people who spoke as little English as I spoke German. And there was one very pretty young lady there.

I started to talk to her and found she spoke much better English than most of my new friends. She was 20 years old, and it wasn't until we both got up to get more beer that I discovered that she limped badly from a physical deformity.

As the night went on, I found out that she really wanted to be a teacher, but the Government wouldn't let her because "a cripple cannot take proper care of children." I was outraged, and spent much of the next two nights encouraging her to fight back and not accept their stupid rules.

At one point, she told me, "You Americans are always like this. You never give up and you think you can have anything you want, just because you want it." She said this with wonder in her voice, as if she was discovering that all she'd heard about us crazy Americans was true.

I pressed her on it, telling her that if she was willing to work hard for it, there was no reason that she couldn't fulfill her dream of teaching. To hell with the authorities who decided she was better suited to clerical work in an office, just because of her bodily imperfection.

Eventually her Mother got involved, reminding me that I was a guest and shouldn't be putting crazy ideas into her daughter's head. We exchanged a few letters after that, and at one point we were going to meet in a nearby city so that my wife could meet her too, but plans for that fell through and were never followed up.

I often wonder whatever happened to her. I sometimes wonder if a little bit of the crazy American attitude rubbed off on her. Lord knows I tried.

* If that sounds implausible, a good friend of mine lived in Biersborn, not too far away. They celebrated their 1500th birthday while we were there. Biersborn appeared on ancient Roman maps as a trade route waypoint.

** I had saurkraut that night within weeks of arriving in Germany, and never again even saw it on a menu in a restaurant for the rest of my three-year tour.

Since It Went Over So Well Last Time

Bondage Chick.


Creative. Cool. I suspect though, that it only really works a couple of hours a day.


You had the acronym first? Fine, here's your fucking pandas.


Redundant caption goes here.


I admit it. I smiled.

A Musical Interlude

In somewhat related news, my daughter noticed that I had bought the first two seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Her reaction? She said I was "such a teenaged girl."

Simplify

If IKEA Hired Designers Like Kubrick, Carpenter and Romero

Behold. Furniture to scare guests away.

Flyover Country

During the luncheon after the funeral, I got into some great conversations with my relatives. These folks are all from Iowa, Nebraska and Minnesota.

The most common question I got was, "do you ever see politicians?"

This was always followed up with a statement of dissatisfaction about the current administration and congress. In fact, the nicest reaction was a simple eye roll. Most of them were really and truly pissed off about what's been going on in Washington.

It wasn't limited to agricultural issues either. Iowa has an illegal immigrant problem (see "Egg Recall" for a glaring example), and they're none too happy about it. Unsurprisingly (to me), it's not about race, it's about following the rules and doing the right thing. It's about coming to America and *becoming* an American, not living on the fringes and staying on the outside of society by choice.

It was like looking into a mirror. It was like listening to myself. I guess sturdy midwestern stock breeds true.

Back

Round trip drive to Iowa is about 2500 miles, and we've done it three times since April.

You may recall that Dad spent six weeks with us earlier this year, so we were blessed by having that time with him before he died. Near the end, I'd talked to him once or twice a day, so we had already said our goodbyes. My main reason for going to Iowa this time was to reconnect with family that I've drifted away from over the years. That happened in a big way.

I have a ton of thank you cards and emails to catch up on. Look for canned nonsense for the immediate future. In other words, back to normal.

During my temporary hiatus, I'd remind everyone about my other blog: Quiet Tales. Think of it as me expressing my creative side when I haven't forgotten my meds.

Richard K. Phipps, 1933 - 2010

My Dad passed away yesterday morning. He was home with family, and was comfortable and at peace.

We're headed out tomorrow morning for the long drive to Iowa. See y'all when I get back.

Oh, But The Ones That Do

Liz claims very few will get it. I don't care, I want it on my car.

Fooling Myself

Yeah, it's culture time here at Rocket Jones, and today I'm pleased to pass along a couple catchy tunes. Today's theme? Relationships.

Got the first from daughter Rachael (blogless). The second from Ace of Spades HQ. Enjoy.

Corrupting the Young is a Thankless Job

This morning granddaughter Lorelei and I spent some quality time with her crayons. She gave me a Handy Manny coloring book, and I colored Mrs. Portillo as an Orion Slave Girl from Star Trek.

It's what I do, so rather than chewing me out, Lorelei's Mom (my daughter Robyn) only rolled her eyes.

Clever Funny

Never Thought I'd Say This

But watch these dudes work the pole.

Rockets, Cake, And The Combination Thereof

During this year's Team America Rocketry Challenge, the Food Network's "Ace of Cakes" arrived with a cake baked especially to fit a payload capsule built by one of the members of our rocketry club. So, did it work? Did the cake survive?

Find out on Thursday, September 2nd, at 10pm EST. The episode is called "Full Throttle Bakery".

No hints, but the cake was tasty.

Contender

LeeAnn creeped everyone out with this charming piece:


But I think this might be in the running to take the top spot:


What say you?

Do Not Take This As A Sign That I Actually Want To Talk You Out Of It

Infernal Devices

I've been on sort of a steampunk-ish roll lately. I'm devouring the archives of Girl Genius (Adventure, Romance, Mad Science!) and someone pointed me to Lady Clankington's Cabinet of Carnal Curiousities.

Steampunk inspired sex toys. Huzzah!

Seriously though, check out Girl Genius.

This Is How I'd Decorate *My* Starbucks Franchise

And for the obliviots who refuse to get the hint that their yuppie larvae aren't welcome, I'd ask every mom if their monkey would like a banana.

Luncheon Conversation

Yesterday some co-workers and I went to lunch at a popular eatery in downtown D.C.
Here's a blurb from their website to give you an idea of the ambiance.

We are dedicated to environmentally friendly practices at every turn and are proud to be DC’s first LEED (Gold) certified restaurant. We are a Certified Green RestaurantTM, and we offset our greenhouse gas emissions through Carbonfund.org. While we can’t provide absolution on environmental issues, when it comes to restaurants, you can be confident that Founding Farmers is making a wide and deep commitment across a spectrum of important topics to help preserve the earth.

We sat down and since I'd never been there before, the waiter launches into an explanation of the higher concept of the restaraunt. As we ordered, my boss (who's a bit of a tree-hugger) began asking questions of the waiter (this is condenced and paraphrased).

Boss: Is the salmon farmed or humanely caught?

Waiter: I believe the salmon comes from Maine, where they set up netted enclosures off the coast to capture and raise the salmon. It's like farming the fish in their natural environment.

Boss: I think I'll try this wine.

Waiter: Have you seen the container for that? They don't use regular bottles, so they save a lot of money on shipping.

Boss: No corks?

Waiter: No cork.

Boss: I like that, cork is unsustainable.

Waiter (to me): Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. When the food arrives, will it be dead, and will it taste good?

Waiter:

I'm happy to report that my burger was indeed DOA and very tasty. I'm looking forward to our next visit.

Open Communication Is So Important To Parents

Before Chelsea 's wedding on July 31st... Hillary wanted to play the perfect Mom.

She asked Chelsea ... "have you had sex with Marc?"

Chelsea said.... "Not according to Dad"

A Whole Heap of Love Raining Down on You

Heaps o' heaps, mon!


There's been a recent fascination with Myst steampunk. This qualifies.


If this isn't the creepiest death certificate you've ever imagined, then you should seek professional help. Now. Go.


A little something for Sheri's garden.


If I must have a cat, I want this one.


This about 'splains it, eh?

Submitted Without Comment

New to Me

Maybe you've heard it before, but I hadn't.

Science will fly you to the moon. Religion will fly you into a building.

A Movie I Must See

Deafula? A movie about a deaf vampire, done entirely in sign language. Amazon doesn't have it, I must search.

Spotted over at Agony Booth, which I found thanks to Dustbury. Thanks Chaz.

Words, Level of Wisdom to be Determined

A co-worker had an absolutely horrible day yesterday. As I left for the day I reminded her,

"It's not worth heading to the roof unless you're carrying a sniper scope."

Gamblers Call It A "Tell"

The book I'm reading has a chapter titled, "How to Not Have Your Face Eaten."

It's an excellent book.

Perspective

Well?

It's Captain America, after all...

Rain, Rain, Stay Awhile

We're 6" below average for the year, so the steady rain we're seeing is very welcomed.

Quote of the Whenever I Feel Like It

I expect powerful writing from this author, but this struck me as unexpectedly beautiful.

Poets are the dreams of Gods.
-- H.P. Lovecraft

Quote of the Whenever I Feel Like It

I have given up my democratic prejudices and have willingly set the lower classes free to be completely taken care of by the upper classes. -- Robert Frost

He was only half-kidding, I think.

Frazil Ice

Magnificent Nature.



Thanks to Bayou Renaissance Man for the pointer.

Yeah, it's chopped at the edge. The original is here. Either way, it's worth taking the time to watch.

Snippet

This week at work:

Boss: Where's Mary?

Me: On the roof.

Boss (laughing as he walks away): I better go and talk her down.

Mary (from her cubicle): What was that about?

Me: I lured him to the roof. Now go do your part.

Stolen from Failbook

Made Me Laugh

Spotted while surfing the net:

If someone hates you for no reason, give the motherfucker a reason.

The Joys of Urban Living

I don't actually *live* in the city, but I work downtown.

This morning after parking my car, as I'm walking to my place of employment I see this guy on the sidewalk. Shirtless, pants half-down his legs, acting like he's freezing to death and desperately trying to open the side door of a van. He knocks, looks around, jiggles the handle, knocks again, does the popsicle dance and then does it all over again.

At first I wondered how this fool managed to lock himself out of his work vehicle (it was a company van), especially since he was barely half dressed. When I looked back, he had moved down the street and was trying to open a car.

I hate the city.

Trying Too Hard

I saw a sign at the local daycare center for CAMP WOW, and underneath the splashy top line it read, "Wonderful wOrld of aWesome."

Someone got paid good money to come up with that.