Saturday, September 13, 2008

Movie Review Time (Admit It, You've Been Pining!)

When you look to spend your hard-earned money on great movie entertainment, so much depends on your definition of "great". For me, there's not much out there that beats the 50 Movie Packs by Mill Creek.

Granted, many of these films are stinkers, and they're all in the public domain. The picture quality may be poor, the sound quality worse, the acting atrocious, the plots non-existant, but dammit, they're fun! Plus, you'll find the unexpected gem when you least expect it.

Not this time though. The Cold, aka The Game, is a descendant of the classic House on Haunted Hill.

Three goofy millionaires invite nine disco-loving losers (but I repeat myself) to a remote island resort. The "game" is that they will undergo scares until they leave. Last loser standing wins a cool million.

I'm going to try a movie producer's trick here, ok? There are four lovely ladies in the group of nine. Two of them show various degrees of nakedness frequently during the first half of the movie. They also run around in and sleep in some rather fetching (and semi-transparent) lingerie. The third of the group looks great in a very revealing one-piece bathing suit. The fourth is gone before she can flash her headlights, so to speak, but I can live with that.

Now that you're totally distracted by the gratuitous nudity, you won't notice that the budget for this entire picture was about twelve dollars. It looks like someone had a friend who had a friend who knew a guy who... you get the idea. Shark fin. Fanged hand puppet. Fake tarantula. A gun (note singular, everyone seemed to own the exact same revolver). Mostly though, there was mist. From one of those mist generators you see around halloween. The mist was scary. Dunno why, but everyone was afraid of it. It was also cold. We know that because every time the mist appeared everyone bitched about how cold it was.

You almost don't notice the not-so-special effects because the dialogue is unbelievably bad, and the pitiful acting doesn't help. Two of the best exchanges:

Shelly (in the sauna): The sign says no physical exertion. We shouldn't do this. It might not be safe.
Joe: Of course it's safe. I had a vasectomy.
Shelly: Well, in that case. (dropping towel)

Joe: Who's gun is this?
John: I don't know, but games aren't played with loaded guns.
Shelly: What are they played with?
(Joe and John just stare at her)

You almost don't notice the terrible script because the story is barely coherent. (Deja vu, eh?) There are some nonsensical plot twists, and we get the dreaded narrator both before and after the movie. The dreaded narrator is never a good sign. At least this one admits that he really doesn't know what the hell is going on either, especially after the movie ends, and then ends again a few minutes later, and then again, and then again. I'm guessing that they had film left that couldn't be returned, so they used it up, shooting multiple endings until they got one they felt was usable. (Homework: "Usable" vs "good". Discuss.) I'm also guessing that they just said the hell with it and left 'em all in, otherwise I shudder to think about what was edited out as too crappy for this flick.

Hey, how about another memorable line?
Joe: There was a smell of death in that room. And cold. Like a December grave.

So this is an ok Saturday afternoon flick to while away some time while fighting off a summer cold (drinking cough syrup with codeine helps too). More importantly, check out the 50 movie packs from Mill Creek, especially if you love cheesy cinema.


Anonymous said...

12 dollars -- HEH. Made me laugh. Guess I'll skip this one.

Hey have you ever reviewed Rob Zombie's Halloween remake? Or is that not the kind of film you review? Just curious.

I have the DVD but haven't watched it yet. Maybe if I watch it I'll try a review.

Or maybe not.

Ted said...

You know, I really have no desire to see the Halloween remake, even though I hear it's pretty damn good.

My more serious reviews all ended up on Wildside Cinema (formerly Joe Horror. I took the summer off, and have been trying to decide whether to do more reviews here of actual "good" movies or start again over there.

Maybe I should put up another poll!