Wednesday, March 23, 2011

A Treat For You

I know, after all of the garden blogging of late, how can I spoil you so? Trust me, Amigos, you are well worth it. I have before me a couple of movies to watch, and you know the kind. I thought I'd give y'all an old-fashioned Rocket Jones review as I watched.

You lucky devils.

Sins of the Fleshapoids

Kuchar. If that name doesn't make you shiver (trepidation or excitement, either/or), then you have never seen one of brothers Mike and George Kuchar cinematic... I almost said masterpieces, but couldn't keep a straight face. Their movies suck. In that good way, mostly, that I love so much. For most of you, they suck in the bad way.

Five minutes into this one, and we've learned that it takes place a million years in the future and that humans live in a true paradise (accompanied by a slow camera pan across a platter of plastic fruit.) We know this because the only dialog so far is from the narrator, who sounds suspiciously like Elmer Fudd. As for visual evidence, Mardi Gras beads are still in. Paradise, don't'cha know.

The fleshapoids are robot slaves to the humans, and in a million years of progress, humanity has managed to make them look like dorky geeks in silly hats and black lipstick.

Humans mostly lie around, eat fruit, ice cream cones and Clark bars, and get back rubs from hunchback fleshapoids. There's no nudity here, the humans all have enormous cardboard cutout flowers and fig leaves covering their dainty bits. The humans also spend a great deal of time admiring and exchanging Mardi Gras beads.

I'm guessing here, but fleshaoids are created without a sense of humor, because they keep a straight face even while the humans do some seriously lame-ass dancing.

Dialog! Well, no. One of the characters speaks to her fleshapoid, but rather than going to all the effort of moving her lips, a cartoon balloon appears next to her head with the words she says. Uh huh.

A million years of progress. She threatens the fleshapoid with "I'll wet you so you rust!" The robot looks frightened. I could probably see the same thing on Alt.Binaries.Watersports. I made that name up, by the way. Really, I did. If it actually exists (and I wouldn't be surprised), then my question is, how did you know that?

Murder. More cartoon balloons, most bearing no relationship to the head speaking. Mardi Gras beads. Narrator. Robot abuse. False eyelash abuse.

With names like Tar, Malenka and Arbundi, the Queen's secret lover is named Ernie?

I'm sorry I keep coming back to this "million years of progress", but you'd think they'd have better teeth.

"Put out the candle" (thought balloon). Queen throws a glass of water at it rather than just blowing it out. I think this is the sequel to Idiocracy, in some odd time warpy fashion.

Finally, something to smile about! This movie is only 43 minutes long! There are two other Kuchar flicks on the disk. I'll spare you, because I care.

It just dawned on me that I haven't heard the narrator in about 10 minutes. Still smiling!

Bath scene. Ernie and two male fleshapoids (NTTAWWT).

Ernie just got dressed in a hurry because King found out about him. He's dressed in a full football outfit, including shoulder pads and helmet. And Mardi Gras beads. And a flower garland. Queen tries to kiss him through the cage on Ernie's helmet. It looks as stupid as it sounds.

Ernie learns, never piss off a Queen.

Narrator is back. Dammit.

King gets pushed down a flight of stairs, then catches two robots doing it. "Doing it" means electrocuting each other every time they try to touch.

I'm almost pissing myself laughing. After a long, drawn out scene showing the female fleshapoid writhing around on the ground, she finally calms down and smiles. Know what's coming? Yep, she gives birth. Hilarious. She's laying there on the floor, knees up and legs spread, and out from between under her skirt marches a little wind-up robot.

Final annoyance from the narrator, and Finis.

I didn't give away all the plot surprises, because maybe someone will want to get this to see for themselves, although I can't imagine why. Unless it's for the lady wetting the robot, or robot sex, or... ew.