Shrine of the Mall Ninja

This link leads to one of the funniest things I've read in a long, long time, The Shrine of the Mall Ninja. Here's a little setup for you:

This is a collection of the wisdom posted on the internet by a guy calling himself Gecko45. It all started back at the end of the halcyon summer of 2001, and his posts have created a certain urban legend that many refer to as the Mall Ninja.

Gecko45 lived in the exciting and dangerous world of Mall Security.

As I said, my orders go far and while my reasons for protecting this mall remain a matter of national security, if the above does not convince you that I am employed in a capacity that goes above and beyond halting shoplifters, nothing will.

Later in the exchange, as Gecko45 deals with people doubting the veracity of his claims, he gains an ally. What's that they say about "with friends like this...?"

There are many stories like yours, I have personally saved the ass-virginity of several young boys in my days. But there are many brave men like myself out there who risk their lives daily, so that boys like yourself can live a normal heterosexual life.

Please do yourself a favor and click that link. It'll take a little while to read through everything, but it is falling down funny. One more tidbit to tempt you:

But then again I think of the mayors nephew, his face distored with tears and terror, the GAP employees who asked for my autograph, and had to settle for a cover identity’s signature, the flashbangs, and their acrid scent, the small of napalm in the evening breeze, as I crouch behind a shopping cart in the parking lot...

Pure gold.